Peep Jousting!

Another piece of creative non-fiction. Along with a video. The first part of the video is just a still picture. Then the Jousting begins. 

I’m trying to remember the first time I was introduced to peep jousting. Well, I think I was at Megan’s party, a Hawaiian-themed affair. There were grass skirts and leis, coconut bras and limbo sticks. It must have been around Easter-time as there were peeps afoot. Peeps are those disgustingly sugary-covered cavity-making marshmallow things that the Easter Bunny has brought me every year (fricken’ Bunny, I hate those damn things and until this late night in mid-April, I had absolutely no use for the little buggers).
And so we were bored high-schoolers, kinda nerdy, a bit too straight-laced and with parents in the house – so we had neither the opportunity nor the inclination for sex, drugs or rock’n’roll just to pass the time. And so, we turned to peeps. I’m sure that this was something Meg or Ellen found on youtube somewhere. They were always finding the most interesting things on the internet, those two – like the time they showed me the Charlie the Unicorn video.  But anyways, back to the peeps. So they told us we were going to hold a peep joust and that we would take bets on who would win – pink or yellow, purple or green. We began with a two-peep joust. It was pink vs. yellow. (Now, when you joust peeps, it’s important to remember that you must use two chick-shaped peeps, for this will not work with those silly bunny creations.) So the two peeps were placed on a plate, approximately one inch apart from each other. Then, both were skewered with a toothpick and carefully aimed at one another. (I wish I could draw you a diagram, for it is an interesting site, watching the peeps being prepared for battle for the first time.) And so we all stood around watching these peeps as Megan and Ellen made their preparations.

Okay, now what? I thought. As if in response to my question, Megan popped open the door to the microwave. See marshmallows do some funny stuff when they’re placed into the electromagnetic waves emitted by the microwave. (If you’re not sure what I mean by that, hold on, you’ll catch on soon.) We watched as Megan placed the plate into the microwave. Mesmerized by her audacity, we all stood by, slightly horrified as she pushed the Start button. The microwave turned on, and round and round the peeps spun. Now, as you’re aware by now, I’m no fan of peeps, but this was kind of horrifying to watch. They exploded! Not that kind of brain matter splattered all over the place exploded, but that slow motion lava eruption, like a blooming flower, only darker, more sinister. These poor little yellow and pink chicks had morphed, in seconds, into giant monstrosities, almost entirely unrecognizable. What’s the point? I thought, and then Ellen chimed in, “The first one to stab the other with a toothpick wins!”

Oh, right, I remembered, we’re watching peep jousting. Those terribly deformed creatures in there used to be peeps and they’re supposed to be stabbing each other. God I feel like Michael Vick. But I – I can’t look away so I watch, transfixed until yellow stabs pink mercilessly and Megan calls an end to their joust with the push of a button.

“You have to stop them before they really explode,” she announced.

So now every year I take revenge upon the Easter Bunny and those disgusting marshmallowy treats and subject them to the horrors of peep jousting for my own sick amusement. Go ahead, try it.

You know you want to.